The Power No One Can Take from You

Why Emotional Intelligence May Be Your Greatest Personal and Professional Advantage

Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend I have known for more than 30 years.

As longtime friends sometimes do, we found ourselves talking about life. The choices we have made. The things that happened. The things that didn't happen. The people who disappointed us. The opportunities that may have been missed. And, inevitably, the what ifs.

What if this person had done something differently?

What if they had recognized my value?

What if that opportunity had worked out?

What if I had been treated differently?

At some point during our conversation, I challenged my friend to do something that I believe can completely change how we experience our lives:

Own the perspective.

Not the behavior of other people.

Not circumstances you couldn't control.

Not decisions someone else made.

But the perspective from which you choose to view what happened.

Instead of asking only, "What did I lose?" I challenged her to ask, "What did this experience give me?"

That conversation stayed with me because it reminded me of something I have learned over decades of navigating life, business, relationships, leadership, projects, people and change:

One of the greatest forms of power we possess is the ability to determine the perspective from which we interpret our circumstances.

And that is where emotional intelligence begins.

Your Emotions Belong to You

We often speak about our emotions as though someone else owns them.

They made me angry.

They made me feel insignificant.

That situation ruined my day.

They made me react that way.

But there is enormous power in changing that language.

My anger.

My frustration.

My disappointment.

My fear.

Because if the emotion belongs to me, then ultimately I get to decide what I do with it.

That doesn't mean other people's actions are acceptable. It doesn't mean injustice should be ignored, disappointment dismissed or hurt minimized.

And it certainly doesn't mean everything that happens to us is our fault.

It means something very different:

Everything that happens to you may not be your responsibility, but deciding what you do with it is where your power begins.

That distinction is critical.

Emotional intelligence does not require us to stop feeling.

It requires us to stop allowing every feeling to become an instruction.

You can be angry without allowing anger to make your next decision.

You can be disappointed without allowing disappointment to determine your future.

You can experience rejection without turning rejection into your identity.

You can be frustrated by an environment without allowing that environment to determine who you become within it.

That is emotional intelligence.

And that is power.

The Space Between Emotion and Decision

Think about some of the most consequential decisions people make.

A relationship ends because of something said in anger.

A professional damages years of credibility with one impulsive response.

Someone walks away from an opportunity in a moment of frustration.

A disagreement becomes a confrontation.

One decision, made during a heightened emotional moment, can create consequences that extend far beyond the moment itself.

The emotion wasn't necessarily the problem.

What happened after the emotion took control was the problem.

That is why emotional intelligence isn't just a leadership concept or something organizations should discuss during professional development.

It is a life skill.

And I would argue that it is one of the most powerful tools any program manager, project manager, business owner, executive, employee, parent, partner or individual can develop.

Because somewhere between what happens to us and what we do next, there is a space.

Emotional intelligence teaches us how to use that space.

The Greatest Project You Will Ever Manage Is Yourself

My professional career has involved managing complex programs, projects, stakeholders, competing priorities and high-stakes environments.

Professionals spend enormous amounts of time learning how to manage.

We manage scope.

We manage schedules.

We manage budgets.

We manage risks.

We manage vendors.

We manage stakeholders.

We manage expectations.

We manage deliverables.

All of those competencies matter.

But one of the most consequential things any professional will ever learn to manage is themselves.

A perfect project plan cannot compensate for an inability to navigate people.

Technical expertise does not automatically translate into sound judgment.

A credential cannot prevent someone from responding impulsively.

A title cannot teach someone when to speak, when to listen, when to push, when to pause or when to walk away.

Those abilities are developed internally.

That's why I don't view emotional intelligence as a "soft skill."

There is nothing soft about exercising restraint when you're angry.

There is nothing soft about maintaining composure when someone challenges you.

There is nothing soft about separating your ego from the objective.

And there is certainly nothing soft about having enough self-awareness to recognize:

I may not control this situation, but I still control me.

That is strategic discipline.

The P.O.W.E.R. Principle

Over time, I have come to think about emotional intelligence through five actions.

P: Pause Before Responding

Everything does not require an immediate reaction.

Sometimes your greatest advantage is simply creating enough distance between the emotion and the decision to recognize that they don't have to be the same thing.

Pause.

Ask yourself what you are feeling before deciding what you are going to do.

O: Own Your Emotion

Say it honestly.

I am angry.

I am hurt.

I am disappointed.

I am frustrated.

I am afraid.

There is strength in naming an emotion because you cannot effectively manage something you refuse to acknowledge.

But ownership also means recognizing that the emotion belongs to you.

Someone may have triggered it.

Someone may have contributed to it.

But they don't get to decide what you do with it next.

W: Widen Your Perspective

This is where I challenged my friend.

When we're disappointed, we tend to interpret an experience exclusively through the lens of what went wrong.

But ask another question:

What else could this mean?

What did I learn?

What am I seeing now that I couldn't see then?

What did this reveal?

What did it redirect me toward?

What opportunity might exist because this didn't happen the way I wanted?

Widening your perspective isn't pretending something didn't hurt.

It is refusing to believe that hurt is the only meaning the experience can have.

E: Evaluate the Outcome You Want

Before you send the email.

Before you respond to the text.

Before you resign.

Before you confront someone.

Before you make the phone call.

Before you make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotional state.

Ask yourself:

Does what I am about to do move me closer to the outcome I actually want?

That question alone can change decisions.

Because sometimes the response that feels best in the moment is not the response that serves us best in the long term.

Emotional intelligence gives us the ability to know the difference.

R: Respond Intentionally

Then act.

Not because your emotion has disappeared.

Not because you suddenly agree with what happened.

Not because another person was right.

Act because you have decided that your emotion will inform your decision, but it will not make your decision for you.

That's the difference between reacting and responding.

You Don't Lose Your Power. You Give It Away.

Someone can disappoint you.

Someone can underestimate you.

Someone can misunderstand you.

Someone can reject you.

Someone can fail to recognize what you bring to the table.

Plans can change.

Relationships can change.

Careers can change.

Life can change.

But none of those things automatically gets the authority to determine what you do next.

We begin surrendering our power when something happening outside of us is allowed to completely govern what happens inside of us.

That doesn't mean becoming emotionless.

Quite the opposite.

Emotional intelligence requires enough self-awareness to recognize what you're feeling, enough honesty to understand why you're feeling it, and enough discipline to decide what deserves to happen next.

Feel it.

Understand it.

Learn from it.

Then decide.

Emotional Intelligence Cannot Be Taken From You

There are things in life and business we can lose.

Jobs.

Titles.

Positions.

Opportunities.

Relationships.

Money.

Access.

Circumstances change.

But emotional intelligence is different.

It is developed within you.

Experience can sharpen it.

Adversity can test it.

Reflection can deepen it.

And greater self-awareness can strengthen it.

But once you understand its power, you begin to recognize something extraordinary:

Other people don't get to control your internal environment unless you surrender that authority to them.

Your perspective belongs to you.

Your emotions belong to you.

Your response belongs to you.

Your next decision belongs to you.

And that realization changes the way you walk into a conference room just as much as it changes the way you walk through life.

Choose Your Perspective

I think back to that conversation with my friend.

We cannot rewrite yesterday.

We cannot make someone show up differently in a moment that has already passed.

We cannot go backward and force circumstances to produce the outcome we wanted.

But perhaps the real opportunity isn't in changing what happened.

Perhaps it is in changing the perspective from which we carry it forward.

So the next time something disappoints you, frustrates you or simply does not go according to plan, pause before deciding what it means.

Ask yourself:

What am I feeling?

Why am I feeling it?

What is this experience teaching me?

What outcome do I actually want?

And what response moves me closer to it?

The circumstance may not belong to you.

Someone else's behavior certainly doesn't belong to you.

Their decisions belong to them.

Their opinions belong to them.

But your perspective belongs to you.

So does your response.

That is why emotional intelligence is so much more than the ability to manage emotions.

It is the ability to preserve your authority over yourself.

It is personal.

It is professional.

It grows with experience.

It becomes sharper with intention.

And unlike so many things we spend our lives trying to acquire, no one else can simply take it from you.

You have to give it away.

I choose to keep mine.

A Personal Reflection from Cameil D. Coleman | Key Players Consultancy